by John Velousis
Reviews! Lots of reviews! Almost no attacks of readers at all! Considerably less profanity! THIS is the column where I assure potential future employers that John Velousis understands where satire ends and indecency begins! John Velousis di’nt mean to hurt you, baby, come on and let John Velousis throw his love at meanness itself. Poor business practices had best be on alert – there’s a new sheriff on-site, and his name is hidden cleverly in this very paragraph!
SO! I have many reviews I’d like to load, if that’s the word, but I ALSO have a selfish desire to sleep before I work tomorrow. Hence, I’ll be mentioning creative teams only if I feel like it, and I won’t feel like it much. Also, images are kind of a pain in the ole patoot to shove into this special area, so I’ll be skimping on those or senselessly using ones I already have lying around. Grades are OVERALL, on a 1-to-10 scale. Are you ready for some footsballs?
Abe Sapien: The Devil Does Not Jest #1 (of 2)
The Mignolaverse of BPRD and Hellboy has been taking some serious jackhammers to the nuts lately (as opposed to funny ones… hmm. In fact, all jackhammers to the balls are both funny and serious.) Well, this series doesn’t clear up any dangling plot-sacks, it’s a tale of the BPRD salad days of 1985. Abe goes somewhere to investigate something, and wouldn’t you know it? Things go south. I guess they won’t be making any miniseries where Abe has a relaxing vacation. If you like your Abby the fish-man seasoned with a tablespoon of whup-ass, this issue will bring the yummy to your tummy. Every few years, Mike Mignola and his cronies (here co-writer John Arcudi, artist James Harren, THE colorist Dave Stewart – sweet dreams are made of his colors! – and letterer Clem Robins) remind the readership that Abraham Sapien can throw down and make it stay down. Then, five years later, they drop some huge callback on you letting you know WHY it all happened. Oh, how they do build their world, that they may have more world to bust up.
Journey into Mystery #628
Grade: 8 (I’m embarrassed. I repeated grade 8.)
Kieron Gillen’s account of the mammoth plot of Li’l Loki (who’s a good-guy now, probably) to save his brother Thor and the world too – multitaskers gonna multitask – has been a hoot from the start. Every chapter has added another fun piece to Loki’s skyscraper-sized Jenga of a plan. With this issue, the plan starts coming together. Well now, I reckon your enjoyment of this hyar comicky-book depends on jest how much y’luvvit when thet happens. (That’s me writing all Asgard-ey. Pretty good, huh?) I’m a-gonna pend final judgment, though, until I see how hard together the plan comes. If you haven’t been reading this delightful bundle of fundle, you should buy the trade of it if you find some money.
B. M. Bendis and Bagley do creator-owned. Genius college kids invent superpowers. Will they use them for good? Well, no, but who gives a fig? [Warning: That was a spoiler, I think. I am uneasy with you kids’ “hep” jargon.] Fun enuff debut, but the color palette by Nick Filardi was a bit drab for my TV-baby needs, and I wasn’t kookoo about Bagley’s art either. Conversely, Bendis’s prose is not too prolix for a change. Hard to say how good it’ll be; it’s better than The Rise of Arsenal and worse than All-Star Superman. Ooh, that should be a blurb! “[Comparable to] All-Star Superman.”
David Lapham and Kyle Baker’s cuddly and family-friendly Volume 1 ends on a high note. Not for Wade and his “handler” HydraBob and Wade’s, uh, mom / lover Iris – who’s also Taskmaster (Taskmastress?) and I think maybe Moon Knight too? Those three are pretty screwed, actually – but at least they have each other! Hoo-rah for friendship!
If this is the resolution to the whole War of Four Cities and Four to the Floor for Four Reeds and Bad Guys Come Around To Plan A Plan That Seems Pretty Super-Un-Genius storylines, it seems a bit rushed. Kind of like this review, so who am I to Judge? Has a killer one-liner from Spider-Man, though. And I always love Wizard Jr. Aw, golly to the hey, I’ll bump the grade up. I think it’s not the resolution anyhow. Gawd, I have no idea what I’m doing. Look away, I’m hideous!
Fear Itself: The Deep #4 (of 4)
In an astonishing development, Namor conquers his sissification. Super-Attuma (EET’S NOT ATTUMAH!) takes a licking, then shakes it off to run away and join upper management, not wishing to be disposed of in a spin-off like some dork. I learned no lessons, but the ride was boring too. I should have used the money to buy two of those high-end frozen pizzas.
Fear Itself: Hulk v Dracula, Esq. #2 (of 3)
Is there some place in Marvel continuity – like, maybe in the series X-Men: Not-Funny Diarrhea Vampires – where they say why Dracula didn’t die in Captain Britain: Vampire State (Grade: 9.5/10!)? Is it explained that to live again, Drac had to forsake his iconic Gene Colan look – ESPECIALLY the John Waters ‘stache – in favor of the totally S-E-X-X-Y “Old man with a gray pony tail” look? oh, and with pointy shoulder pads? just wondering. Anyhow, ’80s-midlife-crisis-Dracula sends the kitchen sink of monster zoos at line-glow cornrow Hammer-Hulk, who smashes ’em all real hard – wendigos, saurons, chrome-lined dragons, sort-of-idealized-versions-of-complete-Renaissance-men – all megaspankificated by big green’s new finishing move, which I’ve dubbed “hitting,” except for one guy who the Hulk blows. It’s not as fun as I’m making it sound.
Justice League Dark #1
They only assemble after Labor day! Black Lightning, Mr. Terrific, Vixen, Obsidian, the right half of Eclipso’s body, Green Lantern John Stewart, Biz Markie, Tattooed Man, I have no plan how to tie up this sentence, nor will I. This was pretty decent, and the Ryan Sook cover is totally The Goods, but I feel like there’s about 75 issues of backstory that I’m missing. I probably block off my oxygen supply too much, I bet is why. So, in this series, the magic-users of the DCU – The Phantom Doug Henninger, Siegfried & Roy & Wondertigerdog, John David Copperfieldstantine, Penntana and Teller the Gesturing Man – – – – ah, sorry, Peter Milligan, I should go to bed.
This column is over – scram!